“Tethered: The utmost length to which one can go in action; the utmost extent or limit of ability.”
Last night, while sitting in my power bike, watching bad TV, and playing Words With Friends, I realized I was charging both my bike and iPad batteries at the same time. Again, giving more information than you want or need to know, I am also hooked up to a catheter with a bag.
During the day, I have a smaller bag that attaches to my leg, but in the evenings, I wear a larger one. I don’t have to drain as often. It is wild making. All I need to add to this picture is my breathing machine and my new electric blanket. I am tethered to cords and tubes.
There are many times I feel tethered.
I have used “The utmost length to which one can go in action.” I am most aware when I am trying to get out of bed by myself or when I am waiting in the van for Cliff while he runs into the store. I know in an emergency, I wouldn’t be able to get out of the van. Sometimes there is a real chance of panic. It is crazy-making.
Someone once told me going crazy is a choice. I don’t know if there is any truth to that, but I have never forgotten it. When I was a young adult, I had a couple of situations when I knew my toes were on the line and all I had to do was step over. What kept me from stepping over the line was the fear of losing control…being put in a little green room…tight sheets on the bed in the little green room…no window…and not being allowed to go home. Tethered.
The skill I learned then, and use to this day: short prayer, step back, breathe, smile, and step forward. It is a decision I make every day, sometimes several times a day.
During tough times, I do not always have the wherewithal to pull myself together, take time for intercessory prayer, or call a friend. So I run to my default: short prayer, step back, breathe, smile, and step forward.
This is where I probably should insert a deep spiritual thought, but I can’t. My faith is deep, solid, and practical. I don’t have scriptures that roll off my tongue or religious cliches that come to mind quickly, but I do know God walks with me; I trust Him.
“Cords, Tubes, and Crazy Making” is what I should have called this posting. I try not to think too much about what I am physically tethered to, such as power chairs, catheter bags, breathing machines, iPads, cell phones, and new electric blankets, or dependency on others.
My prayer is not to be tethered to the emotional fears that follow me each moment of each day.
I have a choice: short prayer, step back, breathe, smile, and step forward. I am thankful I am tethered to God.
–Susan
Original artwork